Spill, Keep, Drink

I am a million feelings wrapped into one.

I am overjoyed.

I am restless.

This life has definitely taken me by the hand and has laid me out on the battlefield. Some days there is happiness, some days.. sorrow. Sometimes its both at the same time. Glass half full/half empty theory? My personal belief is I am just thankful for the water. But do I drink, spill, or keep it at bay?

There is perfection in my life that goes by the name of Kyrie. There is also a great dysfunction in terms of my relationship with people that surround me. I deal with anxiety and I am distrustful of people most especially those who can hurt me, yet I still choose to love them for reasons I am unsure of. I worry what the norm is in these relationships especially now that I have a son. As a mother, it is easy to point out the do's and don't and it comes naturally that everything is for the kid's best interest. But as a significant other, it is more than difficult to say what is and what is not; to think one thing and have the other. Am I giving enough or too much? And asking will be pointless because your other half (or so you think) is just as confused as well. Am I being a good partner? I think I try too hard and expect too much. But I'll never knoww, will I?

It's hard to grow up with my dad as my male role model and now be with someone not even close to being like him. I constantly think he does something wrong or my dad was since they have different values, different choices.        

Is there a norm for these things? These relationships? Am I supposed to be okay with things even if it is hard and confusing and I feel it is wrong to ask? Is it okay to feel this way?

Then comes the part where I am happy momentarily because of the little things or the big & small gestures. Life is perfect for a while until the next confusing thing I can compare or think about, the doubt, the personal battles, choices we make, and questions..

I'm not sure when I'll get past these things, maybe when someone gives me an answer? Unsure, confused, happy, and complete at the same time.

If I spill it then I'll be giving away everything, including all the good. If I keep it at bay then there is stagnation.. and what good will that life be? Drink? Then take it all in by the horns... the laughs, the tears, the uncertainties and faults, the pain and the love... and all that exists in between.